If you work in a school for any length of time it doesn’t take long to see that many students have a diagnosis of anxiety or a self-professed diagnosis of anxiety. There is an endless list of what is making kids anxious these days, but today I want to talk about the cycle of anxiety and what you can do as a parent.
Anxiety makes people feel uncomfortable, nobody is looking to experience it. So a natural response to being uncomfortable is to avoid that situation or object. But the reality is, that is the worse thing you can do when you are feeling anxious. You see, when you avoid the very thing that makes you anxious, you get immediate relief BUT there is a shift that happens in our brains and the next time we are in that situation we feel even more anxious. So when your child is really anxious to take a test or give a speech and (out of the goodness of your heart) you let them miss that day of school, you are actually doing them a disservice. You have taught them that their fear is legitimate and tests or speeches are something they should avoid in the future.
If I had to take a guess this is how I imagine a scene might play out. Your child is studying for their chemistry test and starting to panic that they don’t know the content well. They start to cry and tell you that they are so anxious because they fear they are not going to do well. You try to reassure them that they will do well but that doesn’t help. You are their safe place, so for the better or worse, you get all their emotions. After you try to reassure them multiple times they convince you that they won’t do well and it would be better to let them miss it and take it at another time. As soon as you tell them that you will call them in for that period their fear subsides and your home goes back to a place of calm. Peace has been restored, at least until the next chemistry test rolls around.
Please know that I am not here to judge any parent! I have given in to my fair share of toddler tantrums simply so I can have the big emotions stop and I’m not saying anxiety is the same as a tantrum but the results can be the same when we let our emotions dictate our behavior. I’m also not here to tell you how you failed as a parent if you have done this, I truly believe you often do it because you think that is what is best when you see how distressed your child is. I also think that as parents we think that if we let them avoid this one time this won’t happen again, but it will. So now I want to talk about things you can do the next time you see your child becoming anxious.
So let’s talk through the test example and something you can do or say in that scenario.
- If your student is in high school or middle school, they can understand how the brain works. So talk with them about what is happening in the brain and why avoiding makes their anxiety worse the next time they are in that situation.
“When you choose to avoid this uncomfortable situation, avoidance becomes your tool when dealing with discomfort, instead of learning other tools. Your behavior (avoidance) is reinforced because of the temporary relief you feel. However, if avoidance becomes your primary coping mechanism during distress, when you can’t avoid a distressing situation your anxiety becomes even greater. Furthermore by avoiding a stressful situation, you are teaching your brain that it is something scary and something you should avoid so the next time you have that stressor it feels even scarier. I am here to support you and want to help you work through these feelings” - Have your child put their thoughts on trial. What is the negative thought? What is the evidence for their thought? What evidence is there against that thought? How can I reframe my negative thought to a more realistic one?
Test Example 1:
Negative thought: I will fail my test
Evidence for my thought: (many kids don’t have evidence for this)
Evidence again my thought: I have never failed a test before
Reframe my negative thought to a more realistic one: I may not do as well as I want on my test but I will most likely pass my test
**the students I am working with are not worried about failing, they are worried about getting a B because that feels like failure to them**
Test Example 2:
Negative thought: I will get a B and if I get a B in the class I won’t get in to a good college
Evidence of my thought: I got a B on the last test and I got a B on the quiz
Evidence against my thought: I have gotten As on some of the homework
Reframe my negative thought: I may get a B on this test but that doesn’t mean I will get a B in the class.
Part of this process may reveal some Cognitive Distortions. Check out this article for a deeper dive into those! - BREATHE, BREATHE, BREATHE!! Many people (adults and students) dismiss this critical strategy. There is so much research to support breath work in decreasing anxiety. Watch any professional baseball game and I guarantee that you will see every batter take a deep breath before their at bat. Controlling our breath allows us to get to a place of controlling our mind. There are so many YouTube videos you can watch for quick breathing exercises. You can also have your child do a Physiological Sigh which takes 20 seconds! (read more about that from this article by Dr. Daya Grant)
The “physiological sigh” is an example of a bottom-up stress management technique that can be used acutely to reduce stress or anxiety. To practice the physiological sigh, receive an inhale, but before you get to the top, take another inhale. Then, expel all your air with an exhale. That’s it! A double inhale followed by a long exhale. That’s a physiological sigh. – Dr. Daya Grant: The Physiological Sigh - Have your child think of a time in the past they have felt anxious and successfully completed a tasks they felt anxious about. You can prompt them to think about a sport experience, a job interview, going to the doctor, meeting a new teacher at the start of the year, or taking their drivers license test.
The key to this is to offer support while gently challenging your child’s thoughts to help them see more true thoughts. Simply telling them “you are going to be fine” will not be helpful, in fact, it may make it worse because to them that is not true and they don’t believe it. They will end up feeling dismissed and unheard. This is where they need to learn (with your help) how to reframe untrue thoughts.
This doesn’t always happen fast and may take a lot of practice but it is a skill that can be learned. Teaching our kids to work through distress is CRITICAL to their healthy development into adulthood. Unless there is a true safety concern, removing distress in your child’s life disempowers them to deal with future challenges, and let’s be real, being an adult is hard and filled with challenges, so let’s teach our children how to manage their stress and anxiety in healthy ways that empower them!